


your idiocy has no limits

by xwannaflyx



Category: Naruto
Genre: (of course izuna lives), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Getting Together, M/M, Oblivious, everyone knows but the actual pair, living married before dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25638946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xwannaflyx/pseuds/xwannaflyx
Summary: Madara and Tobirama start living together. The entire village realizes that they're dating and resign themselves to the fact that both of these destruction machines are apparently in love. THEN, Madara and Tobirama start dating.(Their clan and family members stand and watch with, in the beginning, vicious mockery which slowly derails into pull-out-their-hair frustration at their stupidity.)
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara
Comments: 21
Kudos: 742
Collections: MadaTobi Week 2020, why im sleep deprived 💖✨





	your idiocy has no limits

**Author's Note:**

> written for week 4 of MadaTobi Week 2020 for the prompt: not realizing that they are already dating featuring, of course, our clueless favorites

“Yo, Tobirama where’s my brother?” Izuna asked, walking into his office without knocking because he was a rude, unmannered heathen.

“I’m not  _ your _ brother’s keeper, Izuna,” Tobirama answered, not even bothering to look up from his files. “Put a tag on him if you’re so concerned.” With a slight frown, he carefully marked up the paperwork he had received and set it on the return pile. Whichever idiot had filled that form out was going to spend their weekend trying again; it was truly abysmal.

“Hilarious,” Izuna replied, dropping into the seat across from the table and swinging his legs over the opposite armrest. “Now where do you  _ think  _ he is then?”

Tobirama spared Izuna’s boots a warning glare before refocusing on his work. “Tobi!” Izuna wailed, draping himself dramatically over the table that Tobirama was attempting to do important work on. “Where’s my brotherrrrr?” 

Tobirama wrinkled his nose and carefully nudged Izuna around until he finally got him off the currently necessary papers. When Izuna opened his mouth to wail out that horrid nickname again, Tobirama fixed him with a Look. “He mentioned that he wanted to get some training done so he was planning on helping out in the Forest of Death creation.”

“You mean he got mad at something so he’s going to destroy things in the name of the village?” Izuna replied drolly. 

Tobirama kept himself straight-faced despite wanting to smile at that perfect description. “Madara is merely acting as a contributing member of this village,” he replied coolly before fixing Izuna with another Look. “Unlike  _ some  _ people I could mention.”

Izuna rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. “I do great work,” he said cheerfully, offering a sly and needling grin. “I raise morale.”

“Not in this office, you don’t,” Tobirama grumbled under his breath as he carefully sealed some of the scrolls back together to be sent out to the necessary branches. Bureaucracy was such a pain, but was quite nice when it functioned properly. 

“By the way,” Izuna added with a sly smile as he leaned closer over the desk. Tobirama hummed noncommittally. The numbers on this form for the education budget were a little strange. Not so strange that he suspected there was foul play but enough that he was able to have a very backhanded conversation with the education finance individual about whether or not they needed to consider going back into education rather than administering. “When did Madara mention that he was going to the forest?”

“Over breakfast,” Tobirama mumbled, marking up the paper in red with a sharply worded demand to come in and justify their report. He remembered with a flicker of fondness the resentful way Madara had chewed his way through the meal and that disgusted expression on his face when Tobirama had insisted on him drinking a vitamin smoothie before he was permitted to leave. He did drink it in the end, Tobirama remembered with a bare hint of a smile.

“Breakfast, huh?” Izuna said in a voice that was carefully controlled and too casual. “You guys eat breakfast together now too?”

Tobirama looked up. “Your brother burns tea,” Tobirama stated flatly. It was insulting to have his cooking questioned but particularly annoying knowing how incapable the two brothers were of actually cooking. Their understanding of cooking seemed to end at the statement “there is fire involved.” Izuna shrugged. “I’m not going to have the Uchiha clan accuse me of plotting the death of their head via starvation,” Tobirama added, giving Izuna an extra scowl for emphasis. 

“Right,” Izuna drawled, leaning indulgently back on his chair. “Because the Uchiha clan is currently so worried about  _ assassination  _ being your plot.” Tobirama frowned at Izuna over his papers, trying to figure out what the meaning of his deliberate inflection had been. Catching another error in the calculations for another branch’s budget, Tobirama firmly put Izuna’s teasing out of his head as he concentrated on real work. 

Izuna, with a slow incredulous shake of his head, turned and walked out of the office. 

-x-

“Tobirama,” Hashirama intoned gravely, even as his eyebrows jumped around like a frog for no discernible reason, “you know you can tell me  _ anything  _ and I will trust and back you on it.”

Mito, for no reason that Tobirama could understand and in an uncharacteristically rude move, abruptly stood up and left the dinner table. Tobirama, watching after her, did not notice the way Hashirama’s eyes seemed to glow with glee behind him. “Yes brother,” he mumbled into his rice, assuming that his brother was engaging in yet another one of his strange pep talks. 

“ _ You can tell me anything _ ,” Hashirama repeated, scooting a little closer on the bench. 

Tobirama eyed him warily. “Yes...” he finally agreed, scanning Hashirama’s expression for a hint. He tried to think back on the past week and could not think of anything that had occurred that would result in a necessary pep talk. In fact, both he and Madara had been in a great mood because they had been able to team up against the Hyuuga clan to resolve one of the issues in the academy’s teaching; they hadn’t even argued in a meeting in a while.

“Tobi,” Hashirama whined, dragging out the last syllable and causing Tobirama to scowl at that annoying nickname. “I’m saying that I’m ready for you to announce your relationship at any time!”

Tobirama, having just placed a bite of food in his mouth, immediately spat it back out before he choked. “Excuse me?” he demanded, the words half snarled. There hadn’t been any rumors of him dating anyone since he moved in with Madara. There hadn’t even been anyone attempting to hit on him. Where on earth was Hashirama getting his blatantly wrong information from?

“I mean,” Hashirama continued, eyes shining with delight, “that you can tell me that you and Madara are dating! I’ll stay quiet unless you want to tell the elders but I’m obviously very happy for you!”

Tobirama frowned slightly at Hashirama. "What," he asked slowly, scanning Hashirama's expression for any hint of a joke, "are you talking about?"

Hashirama paused. "Am I misunderstanding something?" he asked slowly, staring at Tobirama in the exact same scanning sort of way. "You have been living with Madara for the last few months. And as your older brother and clan head, I wanted to congratulate you on your new, clearly settled relationship. I figured you would speak to me eventually if the two of you decided to get married since there are clan politics to consider but the two of you seemed happy." He abruptly frowned, looking surprisingly threatening, "did the two you break up?" His chest puffed and he seemed quite ready to have a proper fight on this matter. 

"No," Tobirama said slowly, wondering faintly if there was some sort of collective genjutsu that he was just not feeling or not sensing. There was quite literally no way he would fall under a genjutsu; he was the best sensor in several centuries. "Madara and I have not broken up because we have never been together."

Hashirama's mouth flapped open as he let out a series of squawks and other inarticulate noises to inform Tobirama how strange that was. After a long moment of Hashirama gesturing at Tobirama expansively and Tobirama staring stolidly back, Hashirama finally settled with his face buried in his hands. "I fought the elders for your relationship," he mumbled.

"Why did you do that?" Tobirama blurted.

"Because you seemed happy," Hashirama mumbled, his tone a little planitive. "I thought the two of you would last because you both seemed happier. More settled." He crossed his arms and looked quite ready to settle into a sulk. "I was really happy that the two of you managed to find each other. I thought that you guys were quite similar, you know."

"We are not," Tobirama immediately protested, nose wrinkling in distaste. He had a half fond thought as to the idea of Madara's reaction if he heard quite a thing. Tobirama was sure that the very air would heat from Madara's annoyance. 

"You're smiling while thinking of him!" Hashirama accused, waving his arms emphatically toward Tobirama's face and getting rather close to smacking him on the nose. "That's what just happened right? You got all gushy about him! I saw it all over your face!"

"I'm sure you would recognize  _ gushy _ ," Tobirama spat back, allowing the perfectly necessary and justifiable amount of derision to drip from that word, "it's your expression everytime you look at Mito."

Thankfully, such a burn was clear enough to insult and scandalize Hashirama. With another outraged squawk, Hashirama attempted to educate Tobirama on how very much he was not gushy when he thought about or talked about Mito and besides even if he was it was perfectly acceptable and only to be expected considering the sheer perfection that was Mito and also have you felt her chakra and—

Tobirama, now thinking deeply about questions that Hashirama had stirred up, said nothing. 

-x-

“Are you dating anyone right now?” Tobirama blurted with the sort of subtlety that he was so famous for. 

Madara, who had been innocently enjoying dinner while trying to read the new proposal on the changes for the taxation system of the village particularly in regards to civilians, froze midbite. Carefully placing down his chopsticks (because nothing made Tobirama go icy annoyance faster than yelling and destruction of his property and Madara tried not to piss off his roommate for both of their sanities) Madara fixed his best speaking-to-someone-who-no-you-can’t-punch-in-the-face smile on his face. “Excuse me?” he asked as politely as he was able. The taxation proposal was also carefully placed down. Madara had survived war; he knew what someone should focus on for one’s survival and when something could be ignored. 

Tobirama scowled at Madara’s in-a-meeting smile; he recognized it for everytime he wanted to yell at someone but he wasn’t allowed to or was going to hold onto it until there were fewer witnesses. “Hashirama said—”

“You listened to Hashirama?” Madara demanded, judgement heavy in his voice. 

Tobirama’s scowl deepened and Madara felt his forced smile turn into a grimace as his chin tilted mulishly. (It looked exactly like the way he had tilted his chin when Hyuuga had made that stupid education proposal. It had been quite welcome and attractive in that moment when they were on the same side; right now it looked rather like a threat.) “Hashirama mentioned something about your relationship status,” he said stiffly, placing his hands carefully on his lap and not letting them fidget through sheer force of will. “I became concerned as to whether or not I needed to find a new roommate.”

“Tobirama, when would I have time to date anyone?” Madara pointed out, pulling patience from the depths of his older-brother-with-Izuna-as-a-younger-brother experience. “I barely have time to eat most meals—I’m literally working right now,” he added, gesturing at the proposal. 

Stiffly, Tobirama nodded. The last couple weeks, any meal that the two shared had been taken in dead silence as both spent any spare time they had trying to complete proposals or edit through other proposals for the village. Thinking on that path, Tobirama also faintly realized that the past couple months, despite the silence, he had shared most of his meals with Madara. “I see,” he said slowly, blinking. It was always an unpleasant experience to realize that Hashirama actually had a point  _ ever,  _ but it seemed in this distinct circumstance he did.

“Great,” Madara replied, squinting suspiciously at Tobirama’s realization face. The last time he had seen that face Tobirama had successfully (and politely) blackmailed another clan into joining the village and also always taking his side in any proposal for at least a year. The time before that, he had seen that expression when Tobirama had figured out some strange zombie technique that Hashirama had strictly forbidden while Mito made terrifying humming noises as she stared at the seals. He continued to stare suspiciously as Tobirama stared down at his dinner, his movements delicate but absentminded. Making a note to keep an eye on any strange experiments in the house and dangerous proposals in the councils, Madara cautiously picked the proposal back up. Tobirama was a future crisis; this disaster of a taxation policy will have to be edited first. 

-x-

“Huh,” Izuna mumbled suspiciously, squinting at Madara and Tobirama who were grocery shopping at the marketplace. Touka hummed back, sitting cross-legged on the rooftop as she carefully inspected and sharpened the edge of her naginata. “Interesting,” Izuna added as Madara suddenly shrugged off his coat and threw it over Tobirama’s shoulders. Tobirama, his face and ear flushed red with cold, didn’t even bother to argue before he dragged the coat closer around himself. “ _ Interesting _ ,” Izuna repeated as Madara merely shrugged without comment and continued to walk around in his admittedly winter, but not actually thick enough for normal people, yukata. 

“What?” Touka finally asked testily, looking up from her naginata. Izuna, looking from his own coat which had been carefully tucked around Touka’s legs before she had started inspecting her naginata to where Tobirama was bundled up in a coat that was distinctly larger than him, shook his head. Touka abruptly scowled, “What?” she asked, a far more dangerous edge to her voice and the point of the naginata suddenly far closer to his throat.

“Brother is being domestic with Tobirama,” he admitted slowly, eyeing the gleaming edge of the blade warily. 

The weapon remained pointed at him. “And?” Touka asked testily, her expression going from dangerous to lethal.

“And nothing,” Izuna said slowly, all too aware of Touka’s protectiveness of her cousins. “I was just wondering if either of them were aware of it.”

Touka squinted suspiciously at him one last time before lowering the blade’s edge and moving on to oiling the handle and checking her grips. “The entire Senju Clan knows,” she said noncommittally. 

“Yes,” Izuna agreed slowly, remembering the resigned expression on the Senju elders whenever they had glanced at the all too effective and efficient alliance of Madara and Tobirama at council meetings. Izuna remembered that smile on Tobirama’s face from back when Tobirama had been trying to kill him; frankly, he would be resigned too. “But do  _ they _ ?” he asked, gesturing at a Tobirama who was picking through vegetables while Madara held the basket since he wasn’t allowed to touch produce since the time he had accidentally set a booth on fire. 

Touka shrugged, “They’re smart,” she said calmly before frowning at a nick on her naginata’s handle. “It’s been the better part of a year.”

“Are they?” Izuna mumbled under his breath to prevent Touka’s rather infamous wrath from turning on him. The way Touka cut her eyes to him in warning shut his mouth. He turned away to look down at the marketplace again. Madara, clearly speaking animatedly, did not even shift his attention as he casually directed someone out of Tobirama’s path; Tobirama, staring down at the basket and trying to count up what produce was missing, did not even notice. Izuna remained silent but his eyebrows crept higher on his forehead. 

-x-

“Before we close the meeting,” one of the clan elders carefully stood from his chair, “are there any announcements?” Everyone in the room side-eyed Madara; Madara turned and blatantly stared at Izuna. 

Izuna, after a long moment of staring incredulously back at his brother, slowly turned to face the mix of expressions among the elders. Some looked disapproving but resigned; some looked just as incredulous as him. He slowly turned back to his brother who hadn’t shifted except to lift an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me,” Izuna complained, slouching back in his chair and crossing his arms. “Touka refused to even consider dating me until an entire year after my confession. She said she didn’t have time to mess around with some crush.” 

Madara looked a strange mix of relieved and annoyed as he sat back. “Well, this meeting comes to a close then.” he said stiffly, stretching back. 

The elders all stood and began streaming out of the room, most giving Izuna an incredibly judgemental look before staring at the back of Madara’s head then back at him. Izuna didn’t know how to tell them that he too was judging their dear clan head. After the last elder had left the room, Izuna cleared his throat and turned to his brother. Madara, already immersed in the reports, hummed back. “Brother,” Izuna said as formally as he could when all he wanted to do was screech and maybe slap some sense into his brother. Madara, noting the tone of voice, looked up. “Do  _ you _ have any announcements?” he asked slowly. 

Madara squinted, tried to think back, and slowly shook his head. “No,” he said slowly, confused. He frowned. “Were the elders speaking to me when they asked that?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Izuna said slowly, offering the best smile he could offer in these circumstances. 

Madara winced at the grimace on Izuna’s face, wondering what he was missing. “I don’t have any announcements.”

“No?” Izuna asked, “nothing? Even though you moved out of the compound and have been living with someone else for the past year, you have no announcements?”

Madara glanced away for a split moment before turning back to Izuna, “Yes?”

“You don’t want to announce what a great partner he is or how you’re thinking about finalizing anything?” Izuna asked testily. 

Madara blinked. “What?”

“Tobirama,” Izuna said slowly, gesturing expansively, “your roommate. Very lethal. Tried to kill me. No news about him.”

Madara’s expression remained blank confusion. “I didn’t really think the clan would care about the proposal that we just finished writing—”

“—definitely not about that kind of proposal,” Izuna mumbled under his breath. Madara gave him a judgemental eyebrow. “Brother,” Izuna said slowly, expression clearly despairing. “The two of you have been living together for a year now. How on earth were you unaware that you were dating?”

Madara’s mouth opened then slowly closed “A year?” he croaked, staring off into the distance. Izuna watched as Madara silently did the math. “There’s no way it’s been a year.”

“We all assumed you guys were just off from announcing your marriage,” Izuna said almost patiently. He stared as Madara continued to stare blankly back, open-mouthed. “Marriage,” Izuna repeated in case Madara was still processing. “A year. The whole clan.”

“Married partners usually live together in the compound,” Madara protested weakly, grasping at straws.

“He’s fucking Senju fucking Tobirama,” Izuna shot back, dry as bone. “We figured it was to keep the peace or maybe both of you were still negotiating living arrangements since Tobirama would also want to live with his clan.”

“He hates living with his clan,” Madara snorted with a fond roll of his eyes. Izuna felt both his incredulity and his blood pressure rise. “He thinks they’re either too loud or too quiet and far too formal.”

“You,” Izuna gritted out through clenched teeth, “discussed all this and you’re shocked we thought you were dating?”

Madara opened his mouth but no sound emerged. Izuna felt the familiar burn of his eyes as they began spinning, sparked by the strange mix of anger, incredulity, and far too much incomprehensible emotion. “It was cheaper to live together,” Madara finally said, voice faint. 

Firmly reminding himself that this was his clan head and brother who he loved very much, Izuna managed to muster a grimace of a smile after a very long, very deep breath. “You—” He cleared his throat; that had been too loud and too angry. “Madara,” he said slowly, tone entirely that of an obnoxious younger sibling, “you’re both fucking loaded.” Madara shifted his weight but stayed mercifully silent. Izuna after staring at his brother for a long time, let out an incredulous half laugh, half exhale. “You know,” he said, shaking his head, “people always joke that Uchiha men will be married with kids before they realize that they’re being pursued by someone. But you, brother dear, are a truly special level of stupid.”

Madara pursed his lips then scowled, clearly stung but also realistic enough to realize there wasn’t much to defend himself with. 

Izuna stood from the table with a roll of his eyes, “a fucking genius they say,” he mumbled as he marched out of the room. “A genius, hah! He’s blinder than fucking Tobirama.” Mumbling dire threats to himself, Izuna decided to go talk to someone that wasn’t plain stupid. 

Madara felt his scowl deepen. Ignoring Izuna’s threats, he reflected back on the past year. Well, placed in that sort of context, it did seem rather strange, didn’t it?

-x-

“Are you dating me?” Madara blurted in the middle of dinner. 

Tobirama, a bite of food having just been placed in his mouth, froze. He glanced down at his dinner then up at Madara. Madara’s expression was caught and his cheeks red; his hair looked even more frazzled than usual. Tobirama, unfailingly polite, carefully chewed through and swallowed his food as Madara grimaced with embarrassment. “Would you prefer if I wasn’t?” he asked cautiously, carefully placing his chopsticks on the mat. 

Madara’s grimace deepened. Tobirama said nothing and continued to meet Madara’s eyes. The two were silent as Madara mulled over the question for a long while. “I don’t  _ prefer  _ it, no,” he finally said slowly, “I’d just never thought about it.”

Tobirama hadn’t realized that his chest had tightened until it eased at those words. “And now that you’ve thought about it?” he asked carefully, keeping his expression as neutral as he could. He’d been treating their little moments of domesticity as a relationship since Hashirama had pointed it out. However, it was unfair to assume that Madara had been thinking of everything the same way. 

Madara fell silent again. A relationship. Between him and Tobirama. It was completely unfathomable; there was no way that they would work. But then he remembered the past year, and the quiet moments shared. He remembered what it felt like to have Tobirama’s eyes turn to him, the usually vicious gaze glowing with a shared triumph over a successful vote in the council. He remembered good-natured scolding from Tobirama anytime he tried to approach the kitchen to do anything more complicated than boiling water. He remembered how warm and settled it felt to look across the table and see Tobirama looking back—warm, happy, fond, annoyed, thoughtful, and a full range of in-betweens. 

“Madara?” Tobirama’s voice was quiet and strangely flat. Madara looked up from where he had been blankly staring at his rice. Tobirama’s expression was smooth but he could read the hesitation in the downturn of the corners of his mouth; since when had he been able to read Tobirama like that? “Are you....” Tobirama trailed off and he merely pursed his lips together. 

“I liked it,” Madara saidly slowly, tasting the words as they left his lips. They felt like a whisper of a confession, of the first experimental touch against something vibrant and  _ good _ . “I liked it,” he repeated, the words firmer, a conviction. 

Madara watched the way Tobirama’s expression smoothed out, the way it often did right before he would smile viciously, joyfully, triumphantly. “Yes?” he asked slowly.

Madara wanted to spend the rest of his life and peacetime categorizing the different ways that Tobirama would smile. In sympathy, in anger, in joy, in triumph, in vicious mockery. “Yes,” he agreed with a firm nod. His smile was far wider than Tobirama’s restrained tilt of the lips but from the past year Madara  _ knew _ that the level of emotion was the same. “ _ Yes _ .”

Tobirama, when he smiled with both triumph and happiness, had eyes that glowed like rubies. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. it is absolutely my headcanon that the Uchiha men are just like fucking STUPID when it comes to realizing that someone likes them like just plain oblivious. like there are Uchiha women and even out of clan people that have put a goddamn ring on it and Uchiha men are like oh my god babe you like me that's so embarrassing  
> 2\. following the fanon/headcanon that Tobirama is albino and therefore has terrible eyesight but beyond amazing sensor skills which means it doesn't affect him a crazy amount. (except i had him looking at reports i suppose..... ah well, let's assume he was squinting)


End file.
